The Alien Spotters Handbook - Chapter One.

Hi Guys,

Thought I'd turn my attention to a new topic. How to spot an alien. I mean we all know that there are funny lights in the sky, and only some of them can be swamp gas. So maybe some of them are actually people from other worlds come to buzz the locals. Maybe have a little nosey at the primitive monkeys. Possibly preparing to invade. Or maybe preparing a literally out of this world time share offer!

Are they here? I don't know. (Of course even if I did know one of those top secret agencies that doesn't exist would probably make sure I couldn't tell you). But if they're visiting us then it stands to reason that after a long trip they might have got out of their little space craft to stretch their legs (if they have legs), and maybe to do a little research.

So they could be walking (or floating, slithering or hopping) among us, and assuming their tech is good, we might not know. Or would we?

Got a neighbour that's a little off? A workplace colleague that seems to study you a little too closely for no obvious reason? A weird guy down the road that the dog always barks at? How do you know that he's actually from around here? That he's not from somewhere completely other?

Well here's my thoughts on how to spot someone who's not nearly a local.

Chapter One: Medical.

We've all seen the shows on telly, aliens who live among us and look so very normal. But as anyone who's had plastic surgery will tell you, you don't have to look like you. And let's face it, wandering down the street with your antennae hanging out is likely to attract attention.

Now if we can do plastic surgery and make your next door neighbour look like a supermodel, what sort of reconstructive surgery could the doctors of an alien race do? Chances are that they could make those antennae and that green skin simply dissappear. But cosmetic surgery is only skin deep. And remember, Doctor Who has two hearts, Mr. Spok has green blood. Changing those sorts of things is far more complex.

So what does that tell us about any aliens walking among us? How does it help us spot them? Simply put it means that unless their medical tech is uber, uber advanced, they aren't going to want to let anyone poke around too closely. After all a cosmetic surgeon could probably spot skin grafts and scars from surgery. A dentist could notice unusualy shaped teeth. An x-ray might spot extra ribs and odd shaped bones. An MRI would detect organs that shouldn't be there. And blood tests could give you everything from strange cells and odd biochemistry to DNA which doesn't match anything on Earth. If they even have DNA.

So how do you find out if your creepy neighbour is from Epsilon and not England after all? Check his medical records.

An actual E.T. is unlikely to visit the doctor for any reason. At least not your local doctors. He may have some reason for that, a religious objection to medical intervention, by which I mean practically any medical intervention. If he needs a medical for work, the chances are he'll have one from a doctor who can't be reached and practices perhaps in another country. Flu shots every year? Maybe or maybe not. After all what's good for us could be lethal for him. Dental appointments? It seems unlikely. And he absolutely will not be a blood donor.

Even the hairdresser might be out, since they might be able to spot the difference between a wig, hair transplants and normal human hair.

It could go further than that too. Personal health services such as a manicure etc? They could be risky since the level of close personal contact could be dangerous. Massage therapy? If you were an alien would you really want someone putting their hands all over you and wondering why you have muscles in strange places and your vertebrae feel odd?

So that's the first step in the identification, my fellow alien spotters. Good spotting and watch out for ray guns!

Cheers, Greg.