Lessons From French Class!

 Hi Guys,

Just realised that it's been a while since I posted. There's a reason for that - just not a good one! But yes I have been writing - a lot. Sadly only some of the time on Chy. But the good news is that I'm now in the last leg of that book and hope to have it out by the end of the year (yes this one!).

Anyway I thought I'd give you something to enjoy for Christmas. A true anecdote from my unfortunate past as a student. And yes there is a reason I chose that particular cartoon as a header. It seems so appropriate to me when I look back on my life!

Anyway they say that every good story should have a prologue, just as every good character should have a back story. I believe it applies to authors too. So here's one of mine.

 So a long time ago - more years than I care to admit to - or remember - I had to study French for school. And I was a terrible student of French. But really, if I can't spell in English or punctuate, what would have ever made them think I could do it in French?!

Anyway I was terrible at French. And come the end of the fourth form after two long years of complete failure and abject humiliation, the French master - a man we knew as Rubber Lips Anderson - had to finally admit defeat with me. But there were still tests to do. And so one day as he was preparing the class for one of them he decided to throw me an easy question. You know one of those most basic of questions just so he could satisfy himself that I'd actually learned something.

So he asked me in front of the whole class: "Curtis, when do you say "Si" in French?"

Naturally after two long years of study and having a huge encyclopedia of French vocab in my head (Not!) I knew it would be in there somewhere. And I searched desperately for the word. But it just wasn't there. I promise you though - I really did try. So in the end, knowing that another humiliating defeat was in store for me, and sweating just a little, I finally found an answer. The only answer I could think of.

I told him, "When you're speaking Spanish Sir?"

That day while my fellow students were falling all about themselves, laughing, I learned two very important life lessons.

The first was simple. That "Si" in French means "if". So I guess old Rubber Lips did actually teach me something. He should be proud.

The second was more in the nature of practical mathematics. Never sit at a desk within one metre of the Master's desk when he has a metre rule! My ear still hurts from the memory of having that wicked instrument of education wrapped around it!

Anyway I hope that brings you all some cheer for the holidays, and explains why my next book - "Practical Everyday French" - may be a little way off!

Merry Christmas all, and keep safe.

Cheers, Greg.

From Drought to Flood!

 Hi Guys,

Well it's been a while since I last posted. But I have a good (reasonable?) excuse. My writers block died away and I've been flat out writing since. Naturally this has it's pros and cons.

The pro is that Chy which I was struggling with is now 120K and maybe five or six chapters away from having a complete first draft.

The cons are that there's a lot of other new books at various stages. The one I'm most excited about is The Gorgon's Run which is an urban fantasy about a gorgon police officer in New Zealand who just wants to live a normal life and build his home. Unfortunately everyone else wants to murder him!

On top of that I'm exhausted - mostly from watching endless dvds! I re-watched all of News Radio which is hysterically funny, and then moved on to the British detective genre - Agatha Raisin, Shakespeare and Hathaway, and Queens of Mystery. They were all brilliant by the way.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, my house decided to start suffering plumbing problems - the noisy ones that drive you crazy as you can hear the damned water flowing under the house but can't work out where it's coming from and so can't sleep. The plumbers coming back on Monday for his latest visit - he doesn't even need to ask for directions to my home any more!

I used to have a car like that - a 1975 HC Viva. Pretty much every month I had a major repair and once it was done I'd tell the car there was nothing left to go wrong with it. I was always wrong! The saddest part of all was that the car eventually gave up on originality and started having the same breakdowns over and over again. I can't tell you how depressing it is when the starter motor pinion locks itself into the ring gear for the third time in six months and you know the whole gearbox is coming out yet again! There's a reason I went Japanese!

So anyway, that's been my life lately - plumbing bills and writing. But hopefully Chy will only be another month or so away and the house will have floated away on a river of water that came from its copper pipes which everyone keeps telling me will last for a lifetime! Then I'm thinking I'll buy a Japanese house!

Hope you're all well and practicing your social distancing. I just don't wear antiperspirant and that seems to do the trick!

Cheers, Greg.

Stuck In Ruttland!

Hi Guys,

Well it's become a rough old time for me this last week or so. The weather's turned freezing cold, and while you'd think that wouldn't bother someone with as much padding as me, it actually does. And I seem to have acquired an eye problem - it's probably dry eyes, so hopefully not serious - but everything's a bit on the blurry side, it feels like grit in them and for some reason they keep weeping. Damn it's irritating! But hopefully the optometrist will give me some drops.

But the most annoying thing is that the mad, almost frenetic inspiration that was driving me for the first half of this year seems to have vanished and every time I sit down to type my fingers fail to move. (And when they do much of the time it's to erase most of what I've written!)

Most writers go through periods like this - some call it writers block. I'm not sure it's that. It's more like being lost, sitting at the keyboard and simply not knowing where the story is going. So I thought I'd share some of the things that seem to help me when I fall into these ruts.

The first is at the top of this post. I like to create a cover for the book I'm working on and then paste it to my computer screen. It hopefully gives me a little bit of an inspiration every time I turn the machine on. And I have to admit the cover is brilliant. The image from 123RF was great and I modded it a little for atmosphere and lighting and to better let it fit the plot of the book. It may or may not be the sort of cover that would make a reader want to pick it up, but it works well for me in persuading me that I want to write it.

Distraction is also a useful tool. Sometimes you just need to get away from the keyboard for a little while. Immerse yourself in things that don't require a lot of concentration. So for me it's usually old movies / tv series and computer games. At the moment it's Heroes of Might and Magic V and a whole bunch of comedies - mostly British.

Oddly coffee helps - but not in the way you'd imagine. For most people it's a stimulant. For me it relaxes me, even helps me sleep!

And even more strangely, exercise. Normally I'm totally opposed to all forms of exercise - including walking. Truly if I could get one and afford a whole bunch of servants, I'd be riding around town in one of those divan chairs that Dave Allen used to have on his show when he was playing the Pope. (Sadly I don't think a mere four men would be enough to hoist me off the ground!) But lately I've been playing with the free weights a little, and I think I might even have broken into a sweat at one point! Scary stuff!

Anyway that's what helps me at these times. I imagine other writers will find other distractions and techniques will be of more help in getting them through. And one more thing - the understanding that you will get through it.

Of course the next book - Chy - is in the works, but I fear it may be a month or two before it's ready to roll. It's an epic fantasy which is only two thirds complete - and I haven't even started on the blurb as you can see!

So that's where I'm at. I hope you're all well, and getting through these endless lock downs, which seem to be starting up again just when you think they're over! But fingers crossed, there will be a vaccine probably early next year.

Cheers, Greg.